I'm with stupid

Megan tried to convince me that this flexible electric keyboard was basically the same thing as a player piano.

Then she tried to convince me that this wouldn't be good.

And instead I should get this.

According to the drug store; pimp-pirate is the official costume this Halloween season.

You can accessorize with a scary dead rat.

Yikes!

The following is a fight I participated in:

Hard life in the country

I appear to be growing an extra chin. I blame America.

There is a man across the street in a bright red jump suit. I wonder if he is in a gang. Maybe HBO can make a special about Roseburgs gang problem.

This is a cookie shaped like Pac-man or maybe it's a football helmet. Really, it's an optical illusion (like the one with the face and the vase).

We are trying to get Emily acclimated to country living. At dinner we ate things that we had caught and later we all went to a barn dance.

Welcome to ought-eight

For new years; Megan and Lily said they were wearing dresses. I said I had a blazer and a hat.

I forgot my hat.

At McMinnimans; the kitchen was out of food and I think one or all of the servers hated us.

I don't know what we did to make them mad.

We went to a bar that was filled with old people.

Bob Sutherlan sang us a song with ukulele accompaniment.

The TV in the bar was showing the ball dropping in Time Square.

It was still one hour until midnight.

We decided to go elsewhere.

Lily and Greg "shotgunned" cans of Bush Light.

A couple at the bar was inspired and "shotgunned" beers of their own.

An old man at the bar made lewd comments to Megan.

In an attempt to thwart the old mans advances; Megan said I was her boyfriend.

This had little effect on discouraging the old mans inappropriate comments.

I don't know how many times I had to say "get lost you dirty old man, this be my woman!"

He eventually left.

Dancing and New Years festivity insued.

We all made spectacular-yet-unattainable New Years resolutions.

Oh wait, no we didn't.

My Awesome Road Trip or The web of lies begins

Short version: Me, Laura and her cat went to several DMV's. The car IS registered. The car broke down in Clearfield, Pennsylvania (200 or so miles out of New York). The car would cost $1000 dollars to fix and wouldn't be done till Tuesday. I will be buying a used Buick Friday morning.

Long version: Yesterday morning, I picked up Laura in the Bronx, we headed to New Jersey to get a replacement temporary registration. Somehow, we ended up at the least helpful DMV in the universe. The woman working was so un-helpful and so un-friendly. We went back to New York, I tried to get a temporary registration but, in the end I got an actual registration. I had to give them my Brooklyn address, even though I no longer live in New York, or anywhere really, because one cannot register a car in New York unless one lives in New York. A woman, also in line at the NY DMV, said I could use her address.

Several hours later and $250 dollars lighter we started on our 15 hour drive toward Chicago. Driving through Pennsylvania, the "check oil" light went on, we took the next exit at the end of the off-ramp the car stopped and all of the emergency lights came on. Me and Laura sat there for a while with the idea that if we let the car "rest" then all would be ok. blah, blah, blah... Not much further in the future, a guy named Tony came by, it was suspected that our timing belt had broken. Tony had a chain in his truck and towed us over to the Snappy's parking lot. He had to go visit his mother in the hospital, he gave us the number for a mechanic and said he would stop by after his visit to the hospital. Tony kept remarking on how much the people in this town were jerks and how they won't help anyone. Tony said we could stay with him and his wife. The mechanic was closed. One of the women working at Snappy's, managed to get a hold of a mechanic named Sean. So, Sean from Shawns Auto Repair came with a tow truck that already had two recked cars on it and checked out the car. It was in fact the timing belt. While he talked to me he kept getting side tracked by other people passing through the parking lot. Sean made fun of the women working at Snappy's and the made fun of Laura, then he gave her a hug.

It was decided that we would call him in the morning.

Me and Laura walked to the four different hotels near by in search of the cheapest one. We made bet's as to the prices of the different hotels, I think I won once and Laura won twice. We ended up staying at the Super 8 Motel in Clearfield, PA, it was $52 for a double. We lied about not having any pets (Laura's cat is joining us on our trip).

I talked to my mom and said I was in Virginia or maybe Pennsylvania. We had dinner at the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/KFC. I had KFC, Laura had some side orders and then some nachos.

This morning, we had some continental breakfast, I didn't notice a copy of USA Today, but, maybe I wasn't looking hard enough. After Sean came to get the info on the car, me, Laura and the cat walked up the hill to the truck-stop cafe. We had the all you can eat buffet. In the bathroom was this soap dispenser.
Awesome.

Sean came and towed the car to his garage. We re-checked into the Super 8. The same women from last night was working the counter, so Laura did not mention the cat.

We took naps. I woke up when Sean called. He told me that the broken timing belt was the least of my worries. Other parts had been put out of commission, either because of, or the result of the timing belt breaking. Long story short(er) it wouldn't be ready until Tuesday and it would cost $1000 (far exceeding my already dwindling emergency budget). The other option...he had a Buick for sale, the car belonged to an old women and only has 50,000 miles.

Me and Laura went through our options. I borrowed money from my parents. I wept a little. So, as of tomorrow, I will be the "proud" owner of a Buick (I don't know what year or model), I hope all of my stuff fits.

We had Burger King for dinner.

Bright lights, big city

This is a document of my rise to mega-stardom.

This is a picture of obscene amounts of drugs, women and money, in a single image montage.

From mega-stardom, you crash hard.

And for a long time.

But, eventually, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

When I emerged on the other side, with slightly messier hair, although I was no longer a mega-star, I was also no longer a garbage man.

And then

I went to the dentist yesterday. This is a picture on my polished teeth, minus the teeth. The dentist gave me a new toothbrush and floss, I had to ask but, I also got a new toothpaste.

My mom, she has jury duty and is quite proud to do her civic duty.

My dad, he does not have jury duty.

A view of birds attacking Burbank (aka Bob Hope) Airport.

Those evil birds tried to tear apart the airplane.

That was a close one I tell you what.

This was supposed to be a picture of a view out the window. I was in the middle seat and trying not to wake up the woman next to me.

There was this awful music video request show on VH1. The show included a vj. who took video requests via email (and they showed her checking the emails). She kept and reminding her requesters to tell her what their cable provider was so she could thank them (the cable providers) on the air. The host went on for along time and then aired some of the worst music videos I had ever seen.

I angrily read my book.

I didn't take a nab, but, that looks like it would have been a strong one.

A lovely view of the sun setting on the horizon from a distance through an airplane window.

I was trying to get a covert picture of this guy who I am pretty sure could have been Plug One from De La Soul, maybe.

At the airport I found one of those cart things to carry my bags, somehow my bags weighed 100 times as much as when I left.

The cab home was like 900 dollars, suck.

You may have noted that I flew to Los Angeles on September eleventh and I flew back on Friday the 13th...I will note that people are more superstitious regarding the prior than the latter. You may have also noted that Alison's got to Los Angeles two days ago and now I'm flying back to New York...