Places I don't want to go

I have been inspired to start a series of list blog posts. I had a list of "things that I do and things that I want to do" I would post it but, it's vaguely depressing and has changed since the time I wrote it.

Per Emily's sugestion; here is a list of: "Places I don't want to go".

Montana: As I may have mentioned before, I don't really believe that Montana exists. Supposing that it did exist, I would think it would be filled with militias set on keeping America pure.

Turkish prison: Ever since I watched Midnight Express; I am terrified of getting stuck in Turkish prison after attempting to smuggle hash into the US. I fear not being released and dealing with pay offs, corruption and violence and eventually having to murder a guard in order to get out, 7+ years later.

Delaware: If there was a contest for the least interesting state; I think Delaware would win.

Virginia: Maybe the people in West Virginia are all crazy but, the people in regular Virginia are all jerks. I'm not allowed to drive in the state anyway, so I don't really foresee a problem.

Stores: Really any store that specializes in home electronics or bulk food is a place I do not want to be.

Roseburg Valley Mall: While I think that I might like Orange Julius and Skippers world of Fish, I'm not really willing to stick around and find out.

Indiana: If they were giving out awards for the worst state; I would vote for Indiana. They should really change their state motto from "The crossroads of America" to "the smelliest roads in America". And, what the hell is a "hoosier"? And don't even get me started on Gary...

Here is a less in depth list of other places I don't want to go:

The Great Plains
Washington, DC
Dutch Congo
Mexican jail
New Jersey (and just so you know it's is totally passe to hate New Jersey)
Events geared toward teenagers and/or old people.

Get lost

Sleeping on the job

I spotted a co-worker hiding in the bushes.

We went to the Gay 90's for a going away luncheon for Evelyn. I somehow managed to offend Evelyn, thus, ruining lunch for everyone.

The police had stopped by to visit our neighbors. Living in Roseburg, I've had to call the police more times then I ever did in Los Angeles, Chicago or New York.

For the going away potluck, in the park, I brought bug spray. It's 70% DEET free.

After the going away part; Lindsey and Lee Ann had a G&T after party at their house.

When Lupita arrived I asked where her Boys & Girls Club boyfriend was.

Lupita did not think this was funny and proceeded to spend the night hitting me.

As a compromise; I pretended to be very drunk, thus absolving me of any need to act properly.

It all worked out. She and her teenage boyfriend rode off into the sunset.

And lived happily ever after.

Feats of strength

A body builder/weight lifter/kick boxer outside had tried to drive his car over a median, not realizing there was a four foot drop on the other side. He tried pushing and lifting the car himself, however, this didn't really get the car un-stuck.

With the help of his friends they lifted and threw the car over the ledge.

Hebe & Salmon Unicorn

I was somehow coerced into making a salmon themed banner for The Salmon Run Banner Project.

Artists sent in proposals for banners dealing with the theme of salmon.

My banner is titled Hebe & Salmon Unicorn medium: Glitter, jewels & paint

In 1908 the Women's Christian Temperance Union put up a statue of the Greek goddess Hebe in downtown Roseburg, Oregon.

The statue was meant to encourage people to drink water rather than succumb to the enticement of alcohol.

In 1912 the statue was knocked down by a runaway carriage.

Shortly there after the statue mysteriously disappeared.

In 2004 plans were put into motion to erect a new Hebe statue in downtown Roseburg, Oregon.

The Hebe statue has been thwarted at every turn by various religious organizations.

I think the major fear is that people will accidentally worship the statue.

I personally like to do all of my false idol/pagan/Satan worshiping/human & animal sacrifices in the privacy of my own home.

It's a little un-clear why I would be asked to make a banner. I thought I had made it fairly clear that I am not a painter.

The auctions start at $50. I spent at least that much on jewels alone.

I tried to paint Hebe, but as I mentioned before I am not a painter, so I attached a photocopy of a photo of the original Hebe.

I think there will be glitter in my apartments carpet for many years after I leave.

I had been a little worried about the community's reaction to my banner.

Then I realized how awesome my banner was.

After that I was no longer worried.

This project has really taught me that I don't actually know how to paint.

My lack of knowledge of painting has resulted in considerably more steps than I think were necessary.

Maybe I have learned some sort of lesson for next time.

Though it seems pretty doubtful.

The banners go up for auction Thursday July 26th you should bid on mine, you can also view the other banners, if you want, at www.uvarts.com/banners/.